Do you bare with someone, or bear with someone? One makes me think of nakedness, and the other of a grizzly. I guess “Bare with me,” is kinda suss, like an invitation for someone to strip off with you. Bear it is.
Which brings me to my point – bear with me, I’m in a weird space and I don’t know if any words are going to come. I feel like there’s a maelstrom (nice word, huh?) within me. A heaving, swirling, torrent of gunk eroding my brain. Like a sewer in my head. Nice. But I don’t have time for it – I have to ignore it, but I can’t. So I feel like that scene in the movies where the person is standing still while everything is moving in fast forward around them.
I’m sad and tired and kinda fed up. I’ll get over it.
I saw extended family today. Uncles x2 and aunts x3. It was awkward and weird and I don’t fit. I’m the square peg. Square peg with awkward arm scars. Buttherearen’tenoughandIamembarrassedatmypatheticnessand inferioritybecauseofit. But no one gets that. AndIthinktheyaresoinsignificantthatpeopleprobablydon’tevennotice soIamjustmakingsomethingoutofnothingandbeingapatheticnicompoop(withemphasisonthepooppart).
Yes, I’m weird and I’m sorry that I’m this stupid. And I can’t say anything of import or what I’ve actually done this weekend, or how I feel because it’s all lost and it doesn’t matter anyway because life feels pretty pointless right now. And maybe I am being a negative Nelly and over-exaggerating and getting stuck in the same old cycle but I can’t see how to be different. I don’t know what to do to make things change and maybe that sounds stupid but I’m so frustrated and I know I’m dumb and slow and thick as a flipping brick, but I CAN’T GET IT! I can’t unbelieve things and I can’t think about certain things differently because I still think about them automatically in the original way and I can’t argue with it because it’s so BIG and it sits on my chest and smothers me.
I need to go to bed.