I took this photo while watering the garden this afternoon. Sometimes I get a bit scared of going into my courtyard, because I don’t want my neighbours to see me. I’m on the ground floor and they can look down into my little space. I hate being seen. So this afternoon I went out with my earphones in and music playing loudly. I couldn’t hear the world because Ben Howard was singing in my head. His song – I Forget Where We Are. It’s my favourite at the moment. And I was out there even though the lady above me to the left was watering too, She probably thinks I’m rude for blocking the world out. But I am pretending I don’t know that she thinks I’m rude. I’m pretending I didn’t notice her at all.
I’m a bit strange today. My head is fast and desperate to talk. But to who, and to say what? I have nothing to say.
At the same time I’m tired. It’s exhausting being and trying to keep up with myself.
Yesterday it was windy, so, so windy. The trees were being whipped this way and that as the sky blew and blew. I wondered if the sky was trying to tell us something – trying to get our attention. All night the chimes rattled away and the palm fronds whipped against each other. The blinds slapped against the window as the air sucked back out again. In and out like waves in the ocean. Sometimes I think that there’s something in the air that is wrong and that something’s coming.
Today was hot but I was cold in my corner of the office. Outside though, was dry and shrivelled up. Tonight I watered my garden, and you know that smell that you smell when you water plants? I can’t explain it… but there’s a certain smell, anyway, it smelt like relief. Tonight there’s more relief – it’s dropping from the sky. It started with flashing in the sky, like a bulb was about to blow. Then the rumbling, and more flashing – this time like a camera flash going off. It rumbled and flashed for a while until finally the rain came. It’s still falling, only lightly, but enough. Gentle, steady, something. Better than nothing.
I am a bit strange. But it’s a relief too. Being this is better than being superbly sad. Being this is being something. I’m not quiet so hollow today. Strange, yes, but fleshier. More substance. I won’t want this to leave just yet. It’s better than sad and better than being so far away. There’s still a far awayness… but I’m more here.Just not quite feeling properly. Just thinking. Lots of thinking.
I’m going to go. I’ve got something to do. I shouldn’t, but I will. That’s okay. Or maybe I could sit in the rain instead. No. They might see.