I’m entering my third week in the hospital. Time is going so quickly. The weeks are a blur. I know the days are passing me by but I can’t bring myself to care at the moment. I am not feeling very connected to this world right now. I don’t think I am ready to come out of this safe bubble yet. While it is safe, it is also scary. Things are coming up that make me feel fragile and afraid.
The doctor is taking me off my antidepressant so that’s fun… My brain is working overtime and is showing me things I don’t want to see.
Today I got leave and went home for a bit before going out to lunch. It was somewhat overwhelming, especially as my aunt and uncle, and three family friends from home were there. I find it tiring to just ‘be’ around others. It’s tiring keeping up and being okay.
I even find that in here – I pretend so much for others and I try and always be polite and upbeat and such with the other patients. I would like to just crawl into bed and stay there for the day, but I don’t. I force myself to the groups and to go to the kitchen to talk to the others. In fact it’s almost like I’m trying to keep myself busy – which is what I do at home. It’s my default mode and I can’t stop and just ‘be’. I’m scared of having time to think and feel because it is all consuming. And while it is there when I’m with others, then it at least doesn’t have my full attention, as part of me is interacting with those around me. I don’t think that even makes sense… nothing makes much sense lately.
I find the group sessions particularly distressing. My anxiety gets out of control and my thoughts are terrible. It’s like I’m locked in my head for that hour with no distraction. Because the theme of the group is on behaviours and emotions etc, and it talks about both helpful and unhelpful ways of coping, I just obsess about what I do and don’t do.
I should go. This is not achieving anything. I need to sleep so I can forget about things for a while.