Still kicking

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I’m entering my third week in the hospital. Time is going so quickly. The weeks are a blur. I know the days are passing me by but I can’t bring myself to care at the moment. I am not feeling very connected to this world right now. I don’t think I am ready to come out of this safe bubble yet. While it is safe, it is also scary. Things are coming up that make me feel fragile and afraid.

The doctor is taking me off my antidepressant so that’s fun… My brain is working overtime and is showing me things I don’t want to see.

Today I got leave and went home for a bit before going out to lunch. It was somewhat overwhelming, especially as my aunt and uncle, and three family friends from home were there. I find it tiring to just ‘be’ around others. It’s tiring keeping up and being okay.
I even find that in here – I pretend so much for others and I try and always be polite and upbeat and such with the other patients. I would like to just crawl into bed and stay there for the day, but I don’t. I force myself to the groups and to go to the kitchen to talk to the others. In fact it’s almost like I’m trying to keep myself busy – which is what I do at home. It’s my default mode and I can’t stop and just ‘be’. I’m scared of having time to think and feel because it is all consuming. And while it is there when I’m with others, then it at least doesn’t have my full attention, as part of me is interacting with those around me. I don’t think that even makes sense… nothing makes much sense lately.

I find the group sessions particularly distressing. My anxiety gets out of control and my thoughts are terrible. It’s like I’m locked in my head for that hour with no distraction. Because the theme of the group is on behaviours and emotions etc, and it talks about both helpful and unhelpful ways of coping, I just obsess about what I do and don’t do.

I should go. This is not achieving anything. I need to sleep so I can forget about things for a while.

How do I even?

I’ve been MIA for a few days – I am still in the hospital and until now have not been bothered to drag my laptop out of its bag. In fact I still don’t quite know how it is I find myself sitting here, with a warm, humming computer resting on my legs as I sit propped up on my bed.

I’m not feeling any better than when I came in, really. I am stuck. Tight.

Something that’s not proving helpful is I have no idea how to talk to the psychiatrist. How is it meant to work? She has been away for a week so another guy saw me once and I found it a complete waste of time. He was just babysitting. But tomorrow, hopefully, I will see the psychiatrist I’m admitted under (who I’ve only seen once in the outside world and that didn’t go very well). But I’ve no idea what to say. I am not good at this. I feel like no one understands. And I know that’s because they’re not mind readers and I need to explain. But I can’t. There is no explaining this. I am scared I will say nothing and waste the time and not get anywhere. I don’t even know what my problem is.

I can’t go into this any further. It makes for boring reading anyway. I’ve had this window open for ages and I can’t add anything. I am so confused by life right now, and to be honest, I crave death. I guess it’s a good thing I’m here for now.

I have a headache taking over my brain so I’m going to go. I know there’s not much point to this. Sorry.

 

Oh

My head is hurting. It might have something to do with spending most of the morning sobbing my damaged little heart out after my appointment. The tears started in the doctor’s office, then continued for about an hour in the waiting room, then in the car, then outside for ages as I alternated between walking up and down the street and collapsing on the grass beside the road.

Yeah, it could have something to do with all the above.

I’m not going to detail the meltdown. It was messy and traumatic and I’m now exhausted.

I go to hospital tomorrow. My family does not know. How do you tell those you love, and those who love you, that living is too painful?

Brrrrrrr!

Processed with Rookie

I am wearing two hoodies and am wrapped in a blanket. I have socks and slippers on, and my feet are covered with a second blanket, but they are still cold. I’ve just fished out some fingerless gloves. This is ridiculous. It’s bloody cold!

Apart from freezing my bits off, I have been a bit of a mess. I’m waiting on a bed at the hospital. I’m not going to get into how I feel about this. Actually, “a;slkdfhaoshga;sldkfhjaoirgha;lsdkfjas;dlhgoihd as;dlfkjaos;ighas;dlkh” probably about covers it.

Sigh.

Cocoon

Frozen_face_by_x_louisee_richo_x

I’m  wrapped in a blanket, a hoodie tucked over my head and slippers on my feet. It’s a cool night, but this is more about my emotional state than my body warmth.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I am all over the place. It’s scary. Normally I can function okay at work but I feel incapable of even doing that. I’m a complete fruit case. Paranoid, anxious, depressed, guilt-ridden, desperate, exhausted. Trying to think and focus at work is like trying… I can’t think of an analogy for it. It’s just bloody hard.

Yesterday morning I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. He has prescribed Lithium in addition to the antidepressant I’m on. I haven’t got the script filled yet and I’m not sure about taking it. My head tells me I don’t need it. That I deserve to feel like this. Taking it would block the torture I deserve (if it worked). Or it would take me a step closer to ECT, which has been mentioned as the next option.

He also wants me to start “intensive psychotherapy” twice weekly. I’m tired just thinking about it. And meh. It’s hard for me to take in anything new right now. Gosh, I’m so pathetic.

So, after all that I left his office, drove to work and proceeded to go psycho. I became a babbling, overcompensating mess. Thoughts jumping all over the place and some of my coworkers expressed concern. Great.

Last night the folks were in town and I had dinner with them and my aunt and uncle. I managed to be “normal”, knowing they were about to embark on a six-week caravan trip and I did not want to worry them. They are a day’s drive away now which has my head thinking all sort of stupid things.

While walking into the office this morning I phoned my psychologist to ask if she could see me before my next scheduled appointment in three weeks. She didn’t answer, never does, but called back and now I feel terrible. She has holidays because of school break, but has made me promise to go and see her on Monday. She will open her office just to see me. She wanted me to go to hospital but I can’t. I can’t. I feel so stupid and pathetic. I want to ring back and cancel Monday but I know she won’t accept it. I can’t believe I’m being so attention seeking and selfish. I’ve ruined her break.

Why are things so messed up right now? What am I doing wrong?